1. |
void
00:25
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|
i know you use me
to fill the void.
i am a beautiful backdrop
to your sad story.
a line in your poems.
a vivid laughter
soon to be forgotten.
my name never to be mentioned
once you've found your one true love.
i do not mind this, you see.
it is all i've ever known after all.
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2. |
art
00:13
|
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|
i tried to mold myself
into your favorite art piece.
i wanted to be the only
monument you worshipped.
although my hips didn't dip
like the women you longed for.
|
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3. |
the search
00:39
|
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|
i tried to stop searching
for pieces of myself
in empty spaces.
in my mother's grief that bore no end.
in men that carried no burdens.
in my father's grave, hollow and cold.
instead i searched in familiar places.
in myself, i found eulogies.
past selves that i had buried with no remorse.
how did i get here?
how did i forget that i am whole.
that this void within me belongs here.
that this emptiness never seeked to be filled.
|
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4. |
nirvana
00:47
|
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|
is it too much to ask for?
for you to hold me
at the center of your nirvana,
declare me as your tree of life.
suckle my being for thy victuals
have me as the subject of your rituals.
yes, chant my name to the gods please.
or do i not hold the purity you so desire?
the enigma that the brothels in your mind breeds.
am i not worthy of your praise because of this?
perhaps it is too much to ask for,
too early to ask for
too herculean to ask for
to recognize me as your temple.
your god.
dear god.
is it too much to ask for?
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5. |
needy
01:23
|
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6. |
enough
00:55
|
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|
i thought my love was enough,
a tippet shouldering you from the harsh days.
an angel delivering you from dark ways.
a mother holding you for the first time.
her tears bordering happiness and pain.
i thought i was enough,
my body a vessel for your disruption,
my heart a tithe for your consumption
my hands a tool to create our nirvana.
did i not deserve the honor,
of loving you until the last days?
i guess this was never enough,
me pouring myself unto you.
like honey stolen from its queen.
you didn’t belong here.
my love for you deserved care,
but i guess me slitting my throat
so your voice could be heard wasn’t enough,
enough, there i said it.
i’ve had enough.
|
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7. |
trinity
01:42
|
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|
I entered a higher state of being,
just above man and just below God.
For the first time I could see.
I could breathe.
I could be.
I held the hand of my dead father.
Played the drums with the fibula of my enemy.
Burnt the hair of my man’s white mistress as incense.
Picked out my nails and laid them on the kitchen counter.
I bled.
I bled from my lips gallons of ancestry.
Eyes plain white, tongue moved to the sounds of my forefathers.
I stood and danced to the callings to bring back our Africa.
I entered a higher state of being,
just above man and just below God.
For the first time I could see.
I could breathe.
I could be.
Be black, bask in my essence.
Embrace my melanin and love my blackness.
The shackles on my ankles dissipated.
Sage filled the air, I became elated.
Tanks of tears left my visions.
I was dehydrated yet hydrated with knowledge.
I slept in wokeness, transformed into a beast.
Fathered and fed my cubs with the sour milk spilling from my breasts.
I sat on a mountain and froze to life
Climbed onto a cloud and lounged on a throne.
I balanced the sun on my head.
I was King.
I entered a higher state of being,
just above man and just below God.
For the first time I could see.
I could breathe.
I could be.
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onke lokothwayo mtshali Johannesburg, South Africa
Onke Lokothwayo Mtshali is an activist, artist, writer and software engineer from South Africa. Her writing is inspired by love, heartbreak, pain and loss.
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